Bad drinks are easy to find, but truly memorable disasters are few and far between. Here are cocktails that go beyond “poorly conceived” and cross squarely over into Hindenburg territory. Utilizing a combination of bad planning and wildly misplaced enthusiasm, we concocted each of these top 3 liquid attrocities:

1. VIP Sangría

Fanta
Cut fruit
1 bottle of extremely expensive vintage wine

Sangría: the refreshing summer drink with the mysterious nonsense name. But it’s a beverage with a fatal flaw. That’s right—the terrible wine. Why serve a bottle of plonk concealed by low-rent soda pop when you can trade up to something they’ll remember … say, a 1975 Chateau d’Yquem accentuated by Orange Fanta, or a 1984 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Bordeaux complemented by Grape Fanta?

Now that’s class! Note to New York, Tokyo, Moscow, and London club owners: This drink can quite easily be marked up to $900 a glass without raising an eyebrow.

2. The D-Bomb

Meat from one ripe durian, cut in half, immersion blended with:
6 ounces vodka
6 ounces light rum
Juice of four limes

Spoon mixture into durian halves, each garnished with a gently used sock (recipe makes two sizable drinks).

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The sock garnish helps to moderate the drink’s odor without in any way conflicting with the earth undertones of Abe Vigoda and capital punishment that make durian such an adventure. Switch up to pantyhose to set a classier tone, or dress the drink down with a sweat sock that has survived a grueling neighborhood game of b-ball!

3. Crazy Grapes

1 ounce sweet white wine
1 ounce Everclear 190-proof alcohol
1/2 ounce pineapple juice
1/2 ounce lime juice
Power drill
20 large white or red grapes
Ikebana stand
Eyedropper
20 toothpicks
Half an orange
Miniature lighter or a book of matches

1. Mix your alcohol and juices, and heat them on the stovetop—but only briefly. You want the liquid warm but not actually on fire.

2. Take your power drill and a reasonably sized bit (try a 62-gauge), and drill out all 20 of the grapes. Discard the interior meat.

3. Oh, you weren’t supposed to drill all the way through them. You just want to make them into tiny cups. Get 20 more grapes. Try again.

4. You’ll probably want to reheat the alcohol again. Watch that burner!

5. Use the ikebana stand to keep all the grapes upright, and then use the eyedropper to fill each grape with several drops of warmed alcohol mixture.

6. Now, all you have to do is mount each individual grape on its own toothpick—being perfectly careful, of course, not to penetrate so far into the grape as to rupture the inner barrel of liquor. And then put each toothpick into the orange half, hemispherical side up. Be sure to calculate the angle of grape mounting so as not to spill the contents once the toothpicks are inserted into the orange. Think “concordant angles.”

7. OK, now light all of the grapes with the lighter or matches so that they turn into tiny little drinkable torches.

8. If the grapes aren’t catching fire, the alcohol’s probably cooled down too much.

9. If all else fails, a crème brûlée torch can generally set 40 to 50 percent of the grapes alight while destroying the remainder. Not pretty, but it works.

10. Et voilà! You’ve got a provocative drinkatizer that’ll enchant and delight. Assuming you’re able to move it out into the living room without spilling it or setting small fires.

11. Actually, it’s probably best to set this thing up wherever you’re serving it.

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